Realizations
by iloveit
Summary: There are some things you can't just come out and say...
1. Confession

A/N: The parts of the letter that have been crossed out are --written--like--this--. Boo on this site for not supporting strikethroughs.

* * *

_I know you well enough to imagine what you must be thinking. It doesn't make sense to write you a letter like this. I was here only yesterday. I could have spoken to you in person and saved myself the trouble. _

_Well, there are some things you can't just come out and say. Or, I can't, anyway. And when I say that, I speak from experience. There are times when I come close. Times when we talk alone together, when I feel like you understand me more than anyone ever could, when my only wish is to abandon all reason and confess everything to you. But then you stare back at me with that blank look in your eyes, and the courage I need to say those few words just isn't there._

_If you want the truth, I'm a pitiful coward. It's ironic, in a way, considering I've been calling you one since the day we met. I never meant it. You're not a coward, or despicable or worthless for that matter. --Honestly--Coolidge,--you're--worth--more--to--me--than--_

_Never mind that scribble. It's nothing. Don't pay any attention whatsoever to it. I only wanted to take back the cruel things I've said to you. I wouldn't say them, if I could help it. They slip past my guard when I'm upset about my own flaws… when I'm angry, embarrassed, frustrated, and all the emotions I'm not strong enough to control. And I think you're starting to realize that, aren't you?_

_Funny how I always seem to take it out on you. --Maybe--because--you're--the--one--I--_

_Look at this mess. I can't even write a proper letter. A whole page, and what I've been trying to tell you still remains unsaid._

_I'm writing to say that I have feelings for you._

_I hope you understand what I mean. This letter was a struggle in itself. I'm not sure I could manage an explanation._

_I'm writing to say that I'm in love with you, then. That should tell you everything._

_I just wanted you to know. I'm not expecting a fairytale ending. I'm not even expecting you to feel the same, so don't feel like you owe me an apology if you don't. If all I am to you is a friend, I can accept that. I'll contain my feelings and continue to fight by your side, just as I've always done. I've been preparing for that all along._

_Don't feel sorry for me, Coolidge. Don't you dare. Though I may not be one in the literal sense, I'm a knight. I won't be the porcelain doll who lies shattered on the floor after you cast her aside. I'm strong enough to pick up the pieces._

_At least, that's what I've been telling myself. But I'll be fine in the end. Really._


	2. Reflection

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, and sorry for the confusion—Realizations was never meant to be a one-shot. This chapter is the second of three.

* * *

Chloe signs the letter with a quivering hand and seals it carefully in an envelope. She plans to deliver it to Senel the next day, before she leaves for Gadoria. She expects to find him sleeping, and knows he will remain so until she is hours away from the Legacy. That is precisely her intent, for once she leaves the letter, she doesn't know how much time it will take to gather the courage to face him again. She does know that it will be long.

Morning comes. Chloe walks the path to Senel's house, and never before has it seemed quite so long. She enters quietly, despite knowing all too well that waking Senel would be near impossible even if she were to attempt it. Nervously, she places her hand on the door handle that he himself has touched so many times.

The door is never locked. If it were, no one could come to rouse Senel from his sleep in the mornings, and he would waste away afternoons in a lazy slumber without a thought to his duties. Chloe smiles at the thought.

Senel sleeps deeply, resting flat on his back with his tired head tilted a ways to the side, eyes peacefully closed. Chloe pauses for a moment to remember this sight, to take in the sound of his breathing and the gentle motion of his chest rising and falling and the sight of his unruly white hair tousled against the pillow. She strains to immortalize each small detail that makes up Senel in her mind, for this is the last she will see of him for weeks.

Hands trembling, she places the letter beside him. She whispers a faint farewell as she tiptoes away from the one she lives her whole life for in secret, knowing that nothing will be the same between them when she returns. Whether the change will be for better or worse, she can't say.

It is not until early in the afternoon that Senel wakes, the sound of Shirley's melodious laugh echoing in his ears. He sleeps so soundly, she says, that Chloe somehow managed to make her way inside his house and leave a letter mere inches from his face without waking him. And yes, it must have been Chloe, for the envelope reads in shaky black cursive "Coolidge," the name only she uses for him. Perhaps it is a goodbye letter, words to remember her by until she returns. Perhaps it is something more.

Senel puts the letter in his pocket. For now, there are monsters he must exterminate. The morning hunt has passed already. He has no time for letters.

The beasts surrounding Werites Beacon are many, and the envelope remains sealed until late in the evening, when Senel opens it without expectation.

He stares at it for what could be hours, unable to process the words before his eyes. How could Chloe have felt this way, and he not have known? He has fought beside Chloe through the toughest of times, and shared conversations and moments completely unknown to their other friends. He thought he knew her better than anyone. Perhaps he had been wrong.

Was it possible? He knew her doubts, her fears, her past. And yet… he hadn't known this. He couldn't have known her at all.

Senel does not sleep soundly that night.

Lying still beneath the sheets, he is consumed by thoughts of the letter, and the strong yet vulnerable girl who pained to bare her feelings in it. He thinks back to all the times she has left him in confusion, without a clue to why she would act the way she did. He can finally make sense of them now. Chloe loves him.

She loves him, and it's clear that she thinks he doesn't return the feelings. The letter itself is weighed down by defeat, as if she expects him to recoil with shock immediately upon reading it. He is indeed shocked, but not in the way she would think.

He doesn't know what to think.

* * *

Senel has changed, the others say. He no longer sleeps heavily, now waking at even the faintest noise from outside his window. He loses himself in memories far more often than ever, and appears content to stay in his room for hours at a time doing nothing of note. The mention of Chloe's name stirs up a jumble of unreadable emotions rarely seen in him, and no one can imagine why. Does he simply miss her? Has she told him something unknown to the others? She _is_ going to Gadoria on a visit, is she not? Surely, after all their experiences together, she could not have chosen to embark alone on some reckless pursuit that Senel has promised to keep a secret?

Senel will not say a thing. He has not been so distant, so emotionally shut, since he first came to the Legacy. He spends his time apart from the others, doing what they can only presume to be thinking.

He thinks of the time Chloe nearly drowned in the Waterways, having neglected to admit that she had never been taught to swim. She was terribly ashamed by it, and especially upset that he had been the one to find out, as if this small shortcoming would somehow detract from her worth in his eyes. He didn't think any less of her for it. He just wished she could learn to accept her flaws in the same way, rather than condemning herself for every fault she could find. It wasn't even as if she had many of them to begin with.

He thinks of the time they trained together at her request. Until that time, he hadn't realized how reassuring it was to fight alongside another, to have someone looking out for him as he did the same for her. She revealed the past she had hidden from the group, and he shared with her the memories of Stella he had long kept locked away. He realized then their unspoken partnership, somehow closer than what they shared with the others. They had something, the two of them. He just hadn't known then what it was.

He thinks of the time she slapped him in the face. She had leaned toward him with unreadable eyes before swiftly raising a hand and smacking him, hard. It hurt like hell, and nothing could have helped him more. Stella's death had held him prisoner, forcing him back with whys and what-ifs that threatened to forever block his way forward. Stella was his past, he accepted this now. And he owed it all to the bitter sting of her battle-worn palm against his cheek.

He thinks of the time he exhausted every last shred of his strength to stop her from racing after Arnold and carrying out the revenge she had chased for so long. She triumphed over him in her determined rage, and cut him so deeply he thought he would never wake to see her again. It was all he could have done to try and change her mind. He had to prevent her from striking the blow that would haunt her life forever, even if the attempt could cost him his own. And even as his very surroundings began to blur, he still called out to her not to go. He had been mortally wounded, and he hadn't thought of himself. Not once.

He thinks of the time they stood together in the woods, rain falling softly on their shoulders. He knew that, at the very least, he should be wary of the girl who had fiercely impaled him just hours ago, nearly ending his life with one skilled thrust of her sword. At the very least, he should have been angry with her, considering she had left him lying in his own blood as she rushed to carry out her ambition. But all he could do was stand contentedly as her pillar of strength as she rested her exhausted self upon him and gave in to the tears she had held back for so long. After all she had done, his action was to support her. He had always supported her.

Senel comes to a realization. He loves her.

* * *

Chloe has not changed, as far as she can tell. The letter, difficult as it was for her to write, has not made her a stronger person. It has not helped her purge any feelings for Senel, nor has it helped her decide on a clear course of action concerning them. It has not caused her to grow in any way. She is the same as always. And like always, she passes a fair bit of time reminiscing about moments with Senel and thinking.

Her thoughts do little to comfort her. Leaving the letter may not have been a wise decision after all, she now realizes. He always seemed to feel for her, but those feelings may not run as deep as she hopes. After all, has he ever shown himself to care for her beyond friendship? She can't recall a single time.

She thinks of the time he rescued her as she fought to stay afloat in the Waterways, sinking deeper and deeper with each useless movement. He didn't even begin to make fun of her, her inability to swim had been so pathetic, and he thought it even worse that she hadn't been able to admit it. He came to see her insecurities, ones he never should have known about. Ones that could only make her look worse in his eyes.

She thinks of the time she gripped him tightly in fear, standing over an ocean that threatened to swallow her up at any minute. He told her that she couldn't drown, that it was only an illusion, and that was all that had happened. He was anything but affected as she clutched his shoulders for dear life—not excited, not embarrassed, not moved whatsoever by the same closeness between them that brought a blush to her face and took away her very breath. He didn't feel a thing.

She thinks of the time he settled in his new house, and they all gathered there for lunch. She worked tirelessly to make her dishes perfect, though cooking had never been something she cared about in the least. She finally saw an opportunity to be the girl he wanted rather than the knight he ignored, but all her effort went unnoticed. He didn't think to try her cooking. He barely even spoke to her during the meal. It wasn't surprising, when she thought about it. He paid her most heed when they were fighting towards a common goal. Off the battlefield, she may as well not be there at all.

She thinks of the time she regrets like no other. He put his life on the line to stop her from making an irreversible mistake, and her response was to put her sword through his abdomen. He could never prefer the one who had left him for dead to the one who had been there to save his life. There was no way.

She thinks of the time they stood together in the rain. She wanted nothing more than to confess her feelings then, but he stood so quietly and indifferently that she knew that doing so would only ruin their time together. She leaned herself against him, silently begging him to take her in his arms and comfort her, but he didn't respond. In the moment that had so greatly affected her, all he had seemed to notice was the weather.

Chloe comes to a realization. He could not possibly love her.

* * *

She thinks that Senel doesn't love her. But he does, he knows this now, and he wants to tell her everything. Knowing her as well as he does, it's probably hurting her every day. He wants to make Chloe see exactly how he feels, to take his most trusted partner into his arms and tell her that all her doubts are wrong, that he cares for her far beyond the boundaries of a friendship. He wants Chloe to come home.

Chloe doesn't want to come home. She has made a terrible mistake, expressing feelings that Senel could not possibly return. She can't pretend to be strong as Senel tells her that he's sorry, but he doesn't feel the same. She just can't.

Both count the days until Chloe's scheduled return finally arrives.

Senel has been waiting for this day for weeks. He has decided not to wait for Chloe with the others. He will meet her later, so he can tell her how he feels in private.

Chloe has been dreading this day for weeks. She can imagine what Senel will tell her, and she cannot bear to hear the words.

"I've chosen Shirley," he will say. "I thought you knew that."

Chloe does not board the ship.

Three hours later, Shirley comes to visit Senel with news. Chloe did not get off the ship.

The others are worried. They assume something has happened to Chloe. Finally, Jay calms them. If something had happened to Chloe, he would know about it, for he knows everything, after all.

They ask him, then, why Chloe has not come home. He doesn't know.

Shirley wants to know if the letter said anything. Will asks, Chloe left a letter? Why didn't you mention it? What did it say?

Everything, Senel says as he fingers the torn paper. It told him everything he needed.

Senel knows where Chloe is, in more ways than one. He understands her, and he can say this now with certainty. He knows she does not want to face him. He knows she is worried about how the letter will change their relationship, for the letter says this itself. He knows she doubts herself so much, in spite of her strength and integrity, and she probably now regrets leaving him the letter in the first place.

Senel does not regret the letter. It sits in his pocket well-worn, folded and unfolded hundreds of times.

Chloe could not have written a worse letter, he thinks rather honestly. The letter is pained and depressing and written with the foregone conclusion that he doesn't care for her and probably never will. But it has done more than she ever thought it would.

He decides to take the next ship to Gadoria, leaving in one week's time.

Senel arrives at the port early that fateful day, for he has found a purpose far more important than his desire to stay in bed. The Gadorian ship will be landing. He expects to make the journey across the sea and search until he finds her.

He didn't expect that she would find him first.


	3. Reunion

Chloe takes in the familiar surroundings of Port-on-Rage as she dismounts the ship, marvelling at how little has changed. The mere thought of being back on the Legacy makes her stomach turn, knowing that she now stands only a short walk from Senel and the unthinkable conversation that will soon take place. But it's time she confronted him. It wouldn't do, after all, to remain in Gadoria forever.

She could have stayed longer, she reasons, but it wouldn't have helped. She would only spend her days in the same way she had over the past weeks, longing to know what he'd made of her words and berating herself for lacking the courage to find out. All things considered, it was for the best that she came back. Even if she found that–

It can't be.

It can't be him.

One glance at a familiar head of snowy white hair and her every thought scatters. Her hands tremble, her pulse quickens, her breath catches in her throat. Senel is there, _right_ there, pushing through the crowd with haste. At dawn. At the port. Why? And how? And what now? She's isn't ready. She can't face him. Not now, not here, not yet.

She's aware of herself, so uncomfortably aware of every small movement she makes, and all she wants is to turn and run back to the ship. Back to Gadoria, across the sea, and away from the one she still can't face.

His eyes meet hers, if only for a moment. He stops abruptly, unmoving, face blank with awe. She looks away in panic. He's seen her. She can't pretend she hasn't seen him. She'd be foolish to. Surely he could tell. She returns her gaze to his, slowly, gripping her cape, knuckles white. She clutches the fabric. It does little to calm her nerves.

Senel opens his mouth to speak, but the right words do not come. It shouldn't be so hard. Things are different–harder–now, now that he is no longer blind to her feelings. Now that he has realized his own. Now he stands frozen, staring across the sea of people into troubled brown eyes. He has long been waiting for her return. But now that the day has finally arrived, he can't think of what to say.

She approaches, footsteps heavy with anxiety. Finally, someone speaks.

"What are you doing here?"

Chloe's voice is soft with disbelief. She didn't expect to see him at the port, he realizes. He had no way of knowing she would be back today. She had no way of knowing he would come after her.

"I was going to Gadoria to look for you. We were worried when you didn't come back." Senel steps closer, and Chloe steps backward, unnerved by his intense expression, but willing herself to stand her ground. She wants to appear strong, at the very least.

He doesn't seem quite the same. A slight lack of sleep mars his features. His words are quiet, and no one but she can hear as he continues. "_I_ was worried."

Something has changed in the way he looks at her.

She can't be sure of what it is, or how he feels, not yet. It could be pity, for all she knows. She pushes away the hope brought on by his concern. She won't appear so weak. "There was nothing to worry about," she says matter-of-factly. "I just… I had a lot on my mind." A faint blush comes over her features. She lowers her head. He read the letter. He knows what she means. He must know what she means. "You… really worried?"

Only in rare circumstances has her brave voice sounded so unsure.

It confuses him, it always has. And yet it draws him to her. It always has. She can be so tough, and yet he knows a need for support is there, not hidden, though she tries, and he wants to fill it, he's always wanted to fill it. And he will.

"Yeah. I care about you, you know." He pulls something from his pocket. A square of paper, folded and worn. Chloe gasps as it opens. She never expected him to keep the letter, not for so long. He hands back her defeated words. "I care about you a lot more than you think."

"Y--you…"

"I've had a lot on my mind too." His mind goes back to the letter, now committed to memory. "You're strong, Chloe, and I know you'd try to stay that way no matter what I said. But you don't have to." He smiles at her. It's never made her feel this much before, his smile, and she isn't quite sure why. Maybe because she's missed his smile. Maybe because his smile means more to her, after so long.

Or maybe because this time, his smile means everything.

"I… I love you too, Chloe."

The words sound strange to Senel, even as he says them. But they're right, he knows this is right. And he never doubts it for a moment.

And the weight of everything she has felt over the past months bears down upon her, and she finds tears falling from her eyes before she can stop herself.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to cry. It's pathetic. I just… I wasn't… I didn't expect…"

"Don't apologize."

And he takes her into his arms. And they stay like that, until the crowd clears, until the tears stop, until all that is left is the marine and the knight and all that exists between them.

And when they walk into Werites Beacon hand in hand that afternoon, it all becomes clear to everyone.


End file.
